All's Fair S1E1

It's been less than two weeks since I announced my American Horror Stories review project, and somehow Ryan Murphy found a way to tank his reputation more effectively than I ever could. I read a few reviews for this show before watching the pilot on its premier date. I saw phrases like "worst TV drama ever" (from Ben Dowell's review in The Times) and "a crime against television" (from Ed Power's review in Daily Telegraph). At the time, it had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. I assumed the reception was at least a little exaggerated, that the huge names attached to the project raised expectations for what was otherwise a classic campy Murphy drama. But I was wrong. This is undoubtedly the worst piece of media he's ever been involved with, and might just be the worst piece of television I've ever seen in general. And I've seen some bad, bad TV. 

I'm not going to do a whole review and synopsis here, but I might make one with my future cohost in video format. I'm not sure yet. When my friend Joan and I watched the pilot, we actually debated whether this was worth covering in addition to, or even instead of, Stories. But All's Fair isn't fun bad, it's not self-aware enough, nor does it have the charm of a show trying its best despite production limitations. It's genuinely, unintentionally, and completely awful. It has every resource at its disposal and can't utilize a single one. It's the only Murphy show I've seen so far that I have no desire to watch more of, and honestly, there's not much I can say that critics haven't pointed out already. So let's go over some reviews.

In his review for The Times (linked above), Ben Dowell says "[Kardashian] is to acting what Genghis Khan is to a peaceful liberal democracy, though of course the dialogue... doesn't help her cause."  He ends his article with perhaps the most accurate point I've read so far: "It's so steeped in its noxiously dumb stream of feminist sloganising [sic], and our heroines are so dreadful, that it sometimes feels as if it doesn't even like women very much." Now, do I think the show doesn't like women? Yes. But do I think Ryan Murphy himself might be a little sexist? Also yes, but with a chill kind of sexism that's innocuous enough to let slide if a gay guy does it. We'll cover that in the YouTube series.

Jeanine T. Abraham's article in Medium says "Someone needs to tell Ryan Murphy that there's more to writing a compelling woman-centered series than placing a bunch of talented actors and a social media mogul together in one place and expect them to make your pig's ear of a script into a silk purse. The dialogue and storylines are mind-numbingly horrible, with so many clichés woven through each episode, it's hard to watch." Not much to say here except "yes, I agree". 

Alison Herman's review in Variety starts with "It probably says all you need to know about 'All's Fair' that a legal drama ostensibly about women's empowerment begins with a pilot written and directed by men." Oh, come on Herman, you can barely tell, it's only evident in every line of dialogue. But yeah, that's obviously a great point. Another great point: "'All's Fair' demonstrates such a low opinion of its own viewers, assuming we'll bark like seals when fed disconnected scraps of sassy one-liners, flashy outfits and men-ain't-shit commiseration." OK, this I do want to talk about, it touches on what might be my greatest gripe with the show, but Herman has another critique that's worth mentioning. "The waste feels more flagrant with every pornographic shot of a Chanel bag, vintage car or over-the-top ensemble." 

There's one scene where Naomi Watts's character, "Liberty Ronson" (oof) consults with a woman looking to divorce her wealthy husband (Judith Light). It quickly devolves into showing off expensive jewelry and listing coveted brands. The show's obsession with opulence pales in comparison to its other faults, in my opinion, but it always manages to be annoying. Though I have no evidence to support this, it feels like a Kardashian contribution, because no other Murphy show is this lavish.

Like I said earlier, I'm not going to do a deep dive on this yet. Maybe not ever. It's about an all-woman team of high-powered divorce lawyers, but it's barely about that (in the pilot at least). They never appear in court, and seem to settle every case with blackmail and hard truths about male inadequacy. The rest of the show is about their personal lives, which somehow manage to be even less entertaining than the cases they barely work. That's all for the synopsis, I'll just do a brief review. 

The writing in this show is abysmal, full of Ryan Murphy-esque girl-boss quips that manage to bring down the performance of every actor involved. The core cast (aside from Kardashian, whose inability to act is such a given that it doesn't warrant mentioning) is full of strong performers, and if you don't believe me, look at the promo image at the top of this post. I mean, Naomi Watts and Glenn Close? I've even seen Sarah Paulson and Niecy Nash act well in other Murphy projects. Yet the script prohibits them from rising above mediocrity in every single scene. In a way, it's genuinely subversive: it proves without a doubt that a poor craftsman really can blame their tools (more like her tools, am I right, ladies?). For Murphy to render such pros powerless is an impressive feat; he manages to construct an invincible glass ceiling in a show about breaking the glass ceiling. Rose McGowan must be feeling pretty glum, and maybe a little vindicated.

Usually, I would rewatch the episode and find some notable quotes, but I don't want to do that. If you're curious, read literally any review. One of the other two things I wanted to mention is that it's boring. So boring. There are never any stakes, and I can't imagine how there could be. When Kardashian's character (Allura Grant, somehow one of the more reasonable names in this show) learns that her husband wants a divorce, she's completely unperturbed in the next scene. Her coworkers come over to drink some wine (the same night of the divorce thing, by the way) and basically just say "Well, you always knew how to pick 'em," and Allura responds, "lol, I know. Men, right?". There's no tension, nothing compelling happens, and it makes time crawl more than a DMT trip. 

The last thing worth mentioning is how condescending this show is in its attempts to feel feminist. It's a level of undisguised pandering that comes off as legitimately insulting. When Allura's boyfriend confronts her about his desire for divorce, he states that her life overshadows his. Allura points out that he has three Super Bowl rings, and he basically says "But I still feel so small next to you, babe." The show pokes fun at the straight male's fragile ego with all the deftness of a natural disaster. But babe, I, with my traditional masculine qualities, am just so intimidated by the success of you, a powerful woman. I know this feels like an exaggeration, but the dialogue really is this on-the-nose. Also, it's kind of funny that the writers tossed Kim K. an alley-oop by giving her a scene that almost certainly mirrors her lived experience, but she still can't muster any emotion in her performance. 

It makes me long for the days when I thought the voiceover monologues in season 1 of The Handmaid's Tale were too heavy-handed. Yet here I am reiterating the same points that other reviewers like Abraham and Herman already made, but louder and worse. Maybe I'm as susceptible to this kind of behavior as the writers are. Maybe they're actually geniuses, maybe this ham-fisted, nuance-less drivel is, in itself, a statement on the male perception of the female experience, a brilliant meta-commentary on the dangers of mistaking sympathy for genuine exposure. 

It's nicer than the other possibility, which is that they actually thought this would play well with audiences. Look, I'm not saying Murphy has to stick to what he knows. I'm not even saying he has to let women into the writers' room in a show about feminism (though now that I mention it, it doesn't seem like a bad idea). I'm saying that if Murphy insists on doing things his way, and he always does, that he can at least do us a favor and write to the top of his intelligence. Or even the middle of it. Make a genuine effort, Murphy, we're not all morons just because we still like what you put out. 

Given his shamelessly campy writing style, which is present even in some of my favorite Murphy works, I thought for a long time about what made this so bad. Even The Politician, which I genuinely enjoyed (I think it's a good show, sue me), had plenty of sassy, cheesy Murphy-isms. This show has more than usual, sure, but it also believes so strongly in its own righteousness. It tactlessly shouts "female empowerment" from the rooftop and condemns male toxicity while openly patting itself on the back. And it does so with a cast of characters who are all so vain, shallow, materialistic, and inane that they're basically every misogynist's ravings come to life. 

It almost feels like the writers associate successful women with these stereotypical traits, because every protagonist feels like... well, like a Kardashian. Now that I mention it, Kim K. just tried to pass the California Bar exam (with a little help from ChatGPT, and some encouragement from spirits beyond this earthly realm. You know, normal person stuff.). At the same time, she's playing a highly successful lawyer who has it all but lost her husband. It's a self-insert role in a vanity project with no creative effort where every star is also a producer or EP. It's... it's a tax write-off. 

Just kidding! Occam's Razor dictates that a creative partnership between Murphy and Kardashian, clearly fueled by their many industry connections, yielded the exact outcome one would expect. But let's follow this purely hypothetical thread for a moment. Because all these stars are also EPs, they might be able to treat certain production-related costs as business expenses, which could make for a nice tax benefit. Theoretically. The show spends copious amounts of time showcasing designer products and luxury items, all of which could hypothetically be owned by our very wealthy EPs. If these actors personally owned some of these props, which there's no evidence of, they could maybe write off some maintenance and insurance costs as well. If, even more unbelievably, Murphy and other show execs also used their own properties as sets, that combination could decrease production design costs and route some payments back to them at the same time. The execs get paid the big bucks and Disney gets a guaranteed hit with a built-in audience. If All's Fair does underperform, well, maybe Disney claims some loss-related tax benefits for that too. 

I'm no accountant, these are all just the speculations of an uninformed blogger. I mean, this isn't Warner Bros. Discovery, who would snap a puppy's neck for a small tax benefit (and then make the puppy unavailable to view or buy on any platform). I'm sure this show has a totally normal percentage of deductible expenses that definitely doesn't disproportionately benefit production higher-ups. After all, I have no hard evidence to prove otherwise. We're just having fun theorizing. And this is Disney we're talking about here, they would never knowingly sacrifice quality in a highly-anticipated project purely for the sake of profit. Their project standards are simply Marvel-ous.

This ended up being way longer than I expected. I guess I wanted to review it a little after all. And maybe someday I'll do a whole synopsis, but American Horror Stories is just so much better. Like, it feels good compared to this. The dialogue is often just as unhinged, the world just as absurd and malleable, but it's so much more charming and it never tries to hide what it is. It's a B-movie-style horror anthology that wishes it had even a tenth of AHS's budget, and it's brutally honest about that. Part of the reason All's Fair falls short is that it has so much to work with and flaunts it so often, it feels like it's trying to present itself as a real drama. It has no self-awareness, and self-awareness is key in campy media. It's so irredeemable, it might actually hurt Murphy's career, and I thought he was impervious.

Anyway, to summarize, I wouldn't recommend it. Watch literally anything else instead. The second episode has a female writer involved, so maybe that one will be better. Maybe. So that's all for now, just a quick little review/update while I work on the new project. If you want something that's kind of thematically similar to All's Fair but is actually good, watch Big Little Lies on HBO Max, it's great. Thanks for reading!

P.S. My buddy Joan Cyrus edited this post and made some significant contributions. Thanks Joan!

The Update Finally Arrives

    Hello all, this is Gnarly Book Reviews creator and sole writer Jonathan Golden. After a nine-year hiatus, I'm returning to the horror review scene with a vengeance. But we'll get to that later; first, some context.

    I want to start with a tremendous and heartfelt thanks to everyone who visited my blog since its inception in 2013. It's trite, I know, but I fully expected this labor of love to forever linger in obscurity. When I was regularly updating GBR, I got the occasional appreciative comment, and each one left me shocked and overjoyed. Actual human beings were reading my reviews! In fact, a few humans enjoyed them! My greatest aspiration for this blog was for it to resonate with a few like-minded people, and I'm incredibly fortunate that it did. To all those who visited this site and left a kind comment, you're a bunch of saints and heroes, and you have all deeply impacted me to this day. To those who visited this site at all, you're also heroes, and well on your way to saint status. To those who are just visiting this blog for the first time, you're pretty cool too. I spent a ton of time writing these reviews -- far more time than the writing quality would suggest -- and I couldn't be happier with the results.

    If the story ended there, it would have been more than enough. Dayenu and all that. But a few years later, Gnarly Book Reviews had a (tiny) bit of a resurgence, with new traffic coming in from Reddit users searching for YA horror novels from their childhoods. Shout out to r/tipofmytongue for driving most of my views. Now I have, like, twenty-something positive comments, and given GBR's niche (at best) content, that's practically celebrity status. In this dark, quiet alley of the internet, fate offered me a free bump of premium, grade-A success, and baby, I snorted that fame off of fate's dirty house key and asked for seconds. Gnarly Book Reviews is back, and it's gonna be better than ever.

    But first, I'm gonna talk about the past some more. Here's the full, uncensored story of how I came to be the world's most niche written content creator (and what a high bar). I already talked in an earlier post about being inspired by Blogger Beware. After being an avid fan for years, I reached out to the creator, Troy, and asked if I could try out his craft. He kindly gave me the thumbs up, and GBR was born. The part I've kept secret until now, a fact known only by my closest friends, is that I started this blog in the Summer before high school, when I was 14, and I was only 16 when I wrote my final post. This will likely come as a surprise to very few people, maybe zero people. I was pretty damn young when I did this, and like every internet user born in the 90s, I tried desperately to hide my age. I'd like to think I was a pretty good writer for a young teen, but looking back on my old posts, my lack of experience definitely shows.

    Cultural literacy is a crucial asset for a project like this one, as is actual writing acumen, and when I started this blog, I was severely lacking in both. I had basically only seen one tv show, The Simpsons, and one movie, The Simpsons Movie. But what I lacked in applicable skills, I made up for in gumption. I found and refined my writing voice, learning to rely on my own brand of contextual humor that seemed to elicit a giggle here, a guffaw there. I may have been just a snot-nosed little twerp, but I think I made a few clever jokes during my two-and-a-half year run. I reread old posts every once in a while and still make myself laugh. The way I see it, if one of my creative projects can still entertain me years later, it was already worth doing. After all, nobody will ever find me funnier than me. But hopefully I made some of you laugh as well. 

    That's why this site is still important to me. To you, who are reading this now, and all those who visited in the past, know that you did more than indulge an amateur writer's side project. You encouraged a young me to grow creatively and (arguably) comedically. The internet is an apathetic and twisted world, often more conducive to cruelty than kindness. I grew up talking shit on internet forums as a kid, but I was always armored with anonymity. With GBR, I was putting myself out there, and though I would never have admitted it, even generic internet hate would have weighed heavily on my heart. Instead, I received nothing but support, and I have all of you to thank for that. Words can't properly express how much that means to me. 

    I'm fiercely proud of this blog, cringe and all. I worked damn hard on it, and for what it is, I think it's not half bad. When I'm dead and faded from the collective memory, future generations will read this blog and think, "Well, it's not The Wire, but I liked all the Irish jokes he made in The Beast Beneath the Boardwalk review." There's just a couple things I wish I had done differently...

1. I wish I had been a little easier on Shivers and Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs. Most of my criticism was for comedic effect, but I wasn't exactly punching up (even though I was technically part of the target demographic). M.D. Spenser was a relatively niche YA author trying his best, and I lampooned the average Shivers book a little too hard. At least I gave him credit for the standout titles, though. On the other hand, Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs was genuinely good for the genre, and looking back, I feel that a lot of my conclusory reviews for its books were too hard on them. Q.L. Pearce and friends did a great job making one of the best YA horror anthologies in the business. They did have too many vampires, though, even for the 90's. The series had an average of, like, one vampire per book.
2. I wish I had been a little harder on Sucker Punch. That movie seems like it was written by a horny 13-year-old boy with no creative oversight. I'm relieved that I called out a lot of its faults, and at least I was wise enough to know it was bad. But if I had known how successful Zack Snyder was and would become, I might have let myself do a hyper-critical deep dive, because that's punching up. I wrote posts that were pages long ripping into Shivers books nobody's even heard of, and then I write a one-page "review" where I discuss Sucker Punch like it's a real movie? What was I doing? And, to top it off, I made a genuine reference to American Horror Story in the process. If anyone needs evidence that I was 15 or 16 when this blog was active, there it is.

    So that's GBR's origin story, and boy is it a page-turner. But enough about the past; I'm 26 now and ready to outshine my former self. But how? Blogs haven't been a relevant concept for over a decade and every children's horror book series has been done to death. Well, speaking of American Horror Story, Ryan Murphy content has long been a guilty pleasure of mine. You might know him from Glee, AHS, American Crime Story, The Politician, Dahmer, you get the idea. He was FX's content creation powerhouse until Disney consumed his benefactors, and now he's one of the Big Mouse's shining stars. I've been watching his shows on and off since I was active on GBR, and though they're not everyone's cup of tea, I'd argue they're entertaining and generally well-produced. At least, they were, but we'll get to that soon.

    

    After American Horror Story found massive success, Murphy was given several more anthology series under the American ____ Story umbrella. I mean, he did so well the first time, surely giving him five shows to juggle at once wouldn't compromise the quality, right? Thus, American Crime Story was born, and two more unreleased shows were greenlit: American Sports Story and American Love Story. In my humble opinion, AHS dropped off after season 2 and nosedived after season 3, but it now has twelve seasons in the bag, so what do I know? Either way, it's still fun to watch every now and then when I feel like turning my brain off. I won't get too deep into the pros and cons in this post, but I will say one thing: his shows had both pros and cons. But that all changed when he and Brad Falchuk created another anthology series, an AHS spinoff given the unfortunate name American Horror Stories. It's like the first one, but plural. And on this shoddy, shameful rock, I shall build my empire. 

    You see, American Horror Stories isn't just bad. It's bad in every conceivable way a TV show can be bad. Imagine if the 90's Goosebumps show and Riverdale had a baby, then add Ryan Murphy's cringiest qualities and subtract any oversight from the network. It's one of the worst shows I've seen and I can't get enough. So, I'm coming back to GBR to review and synopsize every single episode along with my best friend Joan Cyrus (and some more friends and special guests). But this time, the reviews will be in video format, because it's 2025 and not even old people are willing to read anymore. We'll also punch up the episodes and come up with some alternate story beats, which I'm sure the Stories writers' room will greatly appreciate. We might even write an episode ourselves. As an opinionated media consumer with no meaningful creative experience, I really think I have a lot to offer here.

    Together, we'll help this whimpering runt become the groundbreaking, Emmy-winning, episodic horror series it was always meant to be -- with a little constructive criticism. We might love this show for all the wrong reasons, but we are legitimate fans, so even when we rip certain episodes to shreds, we do it all as a labor of love. Murphy, we respect you as a creative force and watch a lot of your content even though you'll definitely never read this. Please don't sic your fans on us. Also, hire us.

    So welcome, readers old and new, to GBR's first review-and-recap series in over a decade. I'll post all my updates here (and on the GBR Insta). Also, no release window yet, but it's coming. I'm gleefully (wink wink) riding the coattails of yet another semi-successful horror project, which in turn is riding the coattails of its franchise predecessors. Together, we make one big Ryan Murphy fame train. I choo-choo-choose you to hop aboard and watch me burn my career in entertainment to the ground before it even starts. 

I Made an Instagram

 Hey everyone, I made an Instagram. It's @gnarly_book_reviews. I just posted a few screenshots of memorable moments from the blog's history, nothing new yet. But anyone who likes GBR should give it a follow, because I only have three followers and I need to boost those numbers so I can make it to the Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs Wikipedia page. You guys get it. 

Also, I'm posting an announcement Monday. Stay tuned if you want to. It's not more GBR blog posts, but it's pretty close. 

Anyone Still Here?

Weirdly enough, this blog gets more views now than when I actually updated it. I'm convinced most of them are from Russian bots, but I wanted to see if anyone still reads Gnarly Book Reviews. If so, maybe I'll come back and write some more stuff. I was pretty young when I first started, so I'm probably slightly better at writing now. Maybe not, though. Those bots don't give a lot of feedback. Either way, comment if you're reading this and you're a human being.

Sharknado 2

I just watched this beauty last night weekend. I know it's odd that I'm reviewing the second one before the first, but I haven't seen the first one in months and I decided I better review this while it's fresh in my head. But be warned:

*There will be massive spoilers for both movies. I mean, it's Sharknado, so nobody really cares, but still, use caution. This movie relies heavily on references to the first movie, so I probably will too. So that's happening. By the way, please excuse the bad quality of the clips; I had to use Quicktime.

I should probably start off this review by saying I'm a little biased. I love movies from The Asylum, and have been watching them for years. If you don't know who they are, I'll give a little background. The Asylum film studio was created by a few Village Roadshow executives, and started off making low-budget horror movies. I haven't seen much of their early stuff, but that's OK because they changed their business model pretty quickly. They discovered that the quickest and easiest way to sell movies was to– and this is all 100% true– make really low-budget rip-offs of popular movies and then release them a couple days before the original movie is released. These shameless products have been dubbed "mockbusters," and... well, you can probably guess their quality. Some examples are the famous The Asylum studios originals Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train, and Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls. This shouldn't be allowed. However, Wikipedia does say that they've never lost money on a film, so I guess it works.

I've seen some of these mockbusters, but I prefer their more original movies. Sometimes, they'll quit throwing stones at larger companies long enough to make a movie uninspired by others, and they're almost always entertaining. I love all of the Dinoshark movies, the random other sci-fi titles they made (Asteroid vs. Earth, Attack of the Killer Lampreys, etc.), and, of course, Sharknado. That being said, I can't deny a certain poor quality fundamentally found in nearly every one of their movies. You'll always see cheesy and often bad writing, terrible special effects, and commonly, bad acting. A true fan must look past these traits or even embrace them, which is why they have so little fans. But enough of the boring backstory. Will Sharknado 2: The Second One escape The Asylum's horrible curse?

No, it won't. Of course not. Their unexpected success with Sharknado meant a much higher-budget movie than anything else they'd created, but it was still produced by The Asylum. The film begins as our old heroes, Fin (Ian Ziering) and April (Tara Reid), are riding a plane to New York. Of course it takes place in New York. There's this big The Twilight Zone homage during which Finn looks out onto the wing and sees a shark. It isn't long before he realizes that his old demon had returned, right before the sharknado begins to tear chunks off the plane. Also, I should mention that the April character wrote a book called "How to Survive a Sharknado," which is really meta-self-referential. So the sharks kill the pilots as well as celebrity guest Kelly Osbourne (one of many), and actually bite off April's hand, which was holding a gun. Remember the hand thing, that's important. Fin singlehandedly lands the plane, because he has mastery of every badass skill imaginable. So April goes to a hospital, and Fin is stuck having to get his sister's family to safety while singlehandedly, simultaneously destroying yet another batch of sharknadoes. To be honest, there's quite a bit of boredom throughout most of the movie; the action is short and predictable, and you can tell exactly who's going to die far before they do. But more about that later.

They make a "jump the shark" joke. Of course they do. Some writer should be fired for that, or at least tarred and feathered. You want to talk about jumping the shark, what about cutting a living woman out of a shark from the inside with a goddam chainsaw, how's that for over the top? Jesus Christ, the bar for comically insane action is so high in those movies, what could they possibly have done?

Shit. Well... huh. They did a pretty good job pushing the limits, I'll give them that. I don't know if you noticed, but Fin just jumped across sharks. That's not even the craziest thing that happens, too. Fin eventually decides to electrocute the tornados to dispel them (I don't know), and that's when the real craziness starts. But first...

Matt Lauer and Al Roker team up to deliver news on the sharknadoes in several semi-comedic scenes throughout the movie, as does Stephanie Abrams and Kelly and Michael. My problem is that much of the appeal of the first movie came from the fact that it took itself so seriously– it was just another fun Asylum B-movie, probably not expected to get much recognition at all. But since the movie became popular, Sharkado 2 has become a sort of mockery of itself, which would be fine, except it's definitely not a comedy movie. Those little segments where news reporters talk about the sharknado in a joking fashion or when characters suggest making a movie about the sharknado attacks take the watcher out of the movie. I think that, and the fact that the second movie is just less exciting, is what makes the first Sharknado better. Because what makes Asylum movies magical is when you accept the awfulness enough to become engaged in the film, and the Sharknado movies are shining examples. It's fun to watch if you just want to laugh at it, but if you allow yourself to care about the often 2-D characters played by occasionally bad actors, you will undoubtedly enjoy it. I watched this movie with a few friends– no way I'm watching Sharknado 2 alone– and the reason they didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I is because they preferred to point out Ian Ziering's flaws than follow the exploits of tortured celebrity badass Fin Shepard. Now don't get me wrong, I laugh at the outrageous moments just as much as the next guy, but in order to enjoy the rest, you have to take everything a little less seriously. But enough with the sentimental shit. On to the insanity.

Fin finally busts out the chainsaw, as is tradition, and shit hits the fan. Just to give a little preview... (warning– this is pretty gory.)

And then the citizens of New York team up to kill flying sharks. This scene until the end of the movie includes every great quality from the first installment, and is definitely the best part of the film. And when Fin finds April's hand with gun in a shark's mouth and uses it to shoot other fish out of the sky, I had to leave the room from shock and awe at the sheer stupidity, and I loved it. Sharknado 2 may not have been as good as the first, but it was still fun to watch and, fortunately, it suffered from many of Sharknado's original flaws. I don't know how this movie fares when looked at from a real critic's perspective, but looking at it through my Asylum-specs, I'd say it's delightful.

Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs #9

1. "The Boy Inside"
Jerry Elfman is constantly bullied for being ugly, which has earned him the nickname "Dogface." It's because he looks like an elephant. When his friend Ben asks why he doesn't stand up to the bullies, he says it's because he's afraid he'll get beat up. So Ben starts to pick a fight with them, but the bullies crack up when Ben's big argument is basically, "He can't help it if he's ugly!" The bullies then unleash some crushing burns, such as my personal favorite,

"Boy, when they were handing out ugly, you must've gone back for seconds!"

Now, I know what you're thinking: woah, chill out there, Dane Cook. It's the beginning of the story and you're already pulling all the stops? Well, you're right, but check this out: Jerry goes home and tells his mother about the bullying, who doesn't even deny the claims that he's ugly but rather insists that he's beautiful on the inside, much like the ugly duckling. This prompts Jerry's response: "Just what I need. Next I'm going to look like a bird!" So basically the writing sucks. Later, Jerry's sitting at his dining room table when he starts to feel tingling in his hands and wrists. It spreads up his arms and shoulders, and eventually he can't even feel them. His mother insists it's probably just the flu, but it spreads to his head and knocks him out, which I don't think the flu does.

When Jerry wakes up, he's in a hospital, and has a noncancerous tumor growing from his spine. His skin splits open and sheds, and underneath he's covered in a gross red liquid. Hey, I've seen Coccoon, I know what you're doing here, Allen R. Ury. And, crazy enough, Jerry wipes off the liquid to discover an attractive new boy. But when he gets up to walk out, his knees buckle and he feels another tumor. So, what, he's going to become even more handsome? Or will he pull an Amanda Bynes and do the opposite? Oh well, I can live with not knowing.

2. "The Girl in the Attic"
Lisa and her family are going to a cabin in the woods for a vacation. Lisa immediately has a bad feeling about it, and her family is extra mindful of her because she has heightened senses. She's like a lame superhero. The crew packs in the old-fashioned home, complete with VCR and fireplace, and sets up the room she'll share with her sister, Sara. But soon after, she hears a girl screaming for help. She searches the land nearby with her sister, but finds nothing. A few days pass, and nothing happens. And then, out of the blue, she hears another cry for help, but this time the crier throws in that she's in the attic. For someone who's supposedly dying, she's really helpful. It's like geocaching. But with people.

Lisa's dad checks the attic, but surprise surprise, nobody's in there. That night, Lisa is woken up when her father shakes her awake, telling her to get dressed because there's a fire. Lisa does so, but hears the girl after she leaves the house and decides to run back up to the attic. I can't really blame her for any of this, because it's a reasonable thing to do. That's no fun. The air fills with smoke behind her, stopping her father from finding her. I guess he's never heard of a fan before. But when she does go up to the attic, the trapdoor slams shut behind her and gets stuck. She calls for help, and realizes that she is saying the same things the crying girl said earlier. She heard herself in the future for no other reason than because whynot?, and when the floor gives in she knows she's going to die.

Well, this was a really clever and creative idea for a story. Only problem is, it's taken straight out of a Ray Bradbury short story collection called The Illustrated Man, from a story called "The Veldt." Great story by the way, one of my favorites. But that's classic Allen Ury for you, ripping off other stories. I must admit though, this is exciting. Let's try to identify the "inspirations" for all the stories, shall we?

3. "Rules is Rules"
That title would have been perfect back when I still used that "Did... Uh... Did You Even Go to School?" segment. I have to start doing those after-segment things again. Maybe when I stop reviewing short stories. But anyway, nameless 1st person protagonist and his friend Kevin Blayne are attending Camp Elkhart, a fun yet strict summer camp with tons of rules. The most hated rule is that you cannot swim after 5 pm, which is strange because the sun sets at nine there. The camp is run, of course, by an ex-police lieutenant named Vince Mancuso, and the boys' counselor is named "Mitch Logan." Wow. So one day Kevin convinces the protagonist to go out on the lake with him at four o'clock, and they swim across the lake. Then Kevin throws their paddle out into the lake so they can purposely disobey the rules and prove that the lake isn't dangerous after five. Even if there wasn't a lake monster, that's still a really stupid thing to do. Like, have fun sleeping in a tin boat, dumbass.

Oh, and then a tentacle rises up from the water and grabs the boat, emptying the children onto the lake. More tentacles come up and grab Kevin before a giant mouth with multiple rows of teeth comes up and eats him. OK, that actually is pretty terrifying. Jesus. Protagonist swims back somehow and tells the story to Lieutenant Vince, who then tells the Protagonist that rules are in place for a reason and that if anybody asks, it was a tragic boating accident. I guess I understand why he didn't close the camp since his life savings were put into it, but why not move it to another lake? It's gonna cost him, to be sure, but it will cost him cash as oppose to children's lives. But the protagonist decides on his slow walk to the cabin that he will spread the word about what happened there. He knocks on his cabin door, and Mitch Logan informs him that he's three minutes late. How is Mitch Logan not in prison? His name alone should be enough, not to mention the fact that he just kind of lets campers die. Then the protagonist begs to be let in while a giant, hairy monster gets closer, and Mitch reminds him that the rules are in place for a reason. Now that I think about it, the camp owner must have bought the land for next to nothing with all those monsters running around. Future landowners take note.

OK, so this one was pretty good. Of course Pirate of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea come to mind, but PotC was well after this was written and TTLUtS's squids don't have much resemblance, so I don't know. I mean, of course the whole theme/plot of "break the rules and discover horrible unexpected consequences" isn't a new one, but I can't remember any specific medias. I'm a failure. Well, on to the next.

4. "Sound Bites"
Jeanne loves listening to the new teen heartthrob, Hunter Smith. All she does is listen to music, but she does it so loudly that her father goes upstairs and yells at her. He then unplugs her speakers and takes away music privileges until she gets her grades up. OK, I know parents often take away toys, games and TV, but music? What parent stops his/her kid from listening to music? Jeanne is just heartbroken, because music has been her comfort and solace ever since her mom died of cancer. That's... wow. So much heavier than I expected, and it's made sadder that it's the only plausible thing in this story. So Jeanne goes to school and they pass around headphones like the music's heroin. So Jeanne decides to go to her friend's house and listen to Hunter Smith's newest album. When she goes to sleep that night, she is woken up at 2:00 am by the sound of music, which she soon recognizes as the album from earlier. She searches the house for the source, but it just gets louder and louder until eventually it's all she can hear and she's carried into "a place of madness." What happened?

I'm pretty sure this story was too stupid and nonsensical to rip off of anything.

5. "Night Terrors"
The story starts as Doug Snow (no relation to Jon Snow, because Jon Snow's not a whiny bitch) is awoken by his father's unconscious screams. He goes to his parents' room but is told to go back to sleep by his mother. The next morning, Doug learns that his father is suffering from night terrors. This continues for three nights until Doug decides that he has to do  something about it. He and his little sister whine to his dad about his awful nightmares that wake the kids up because I guess they've never heard of earplugs. The siblings learn that their father had problems like this before, and that it will pass with time. But that night, Doug wakes up to his father and mother screaming, but his mother is saying "No! Don't touch me," instead of his father's bloodcurdling screams. He walks in to see his mother with a bump on her face and found that his dad had hit her in his sleep. Wow. This just got way too real. Children's horror, meet domestic abuse. By the way, "Don't touch me." Don't touch me. Goes really well with the other themes of breaking rules, doesn't it? Wow.

Doug's father agrees to take medication, but Doug's mother starts screaming again and it sounds like glass is breaking in their room. Doug rushes over and sees his father with a golf club, going after his mom because the medication stopped him from waking up. Holy Jesus. Doug mans up and attracts his father's attention and then trips over his sister. Smooth move, Ferguson. Doug's dad misses with the golf club and his wife gets his attention again, and one more time, just in case you couldn't catch my feelings on the matter: wow. Doug, meanwhile, runs into his room, grabs a piggy bank and smashes his father over the head with it, knocking him out. The next morning, the family flushes the pills. And later on down the road, Doug hears his father scream and his mother slap him quiet, as is the new daily ritual. More abuse, cool cool.

6. "Faces"
As the story opens, a baseball flies through Samantha's window, shattering it. She looks out the window to see two embarrassed children, Tommy and Stewart, holding a baseball and glove. Classic Stewart. Later, a wood board is put over her broken window to keep out wind and rain. When she looks at the board, though, she sees the creases make a cat face. This is common, as she sees faces in lots of things, but she calls her dad nonetheless. He doesn't see it, of course, and though she feels threatened by it she does not attempt to eat it because she's a vegan. The next day, Samantha tells her friend Anne Besch, who is described as "gothic," about the incident. Anne suggests that it's a tree spirit, like the ones the druids communicated with. When Samantha asks whether the spirit is good or bad, Anne replies, "Now that's the final Jeopardy question, isn't it?" No, it's not, that makes no sense. I think Allen Ury's never seen Jeopardy.

When she gets home, Sam discovers that her room is in disarray. She tries to sleep later, but is surprised to hear moving at the foot of her bed. The plank is resting there, and when she starts to touch the face, it pops out and almost bites her. It then starts to work its way out of the wood. Huh, I thought coke was the worst drug kids take during school, but I guess they also take every drug at once. Terrified by her super-acid trip, Sam reasons that the best way to beat a wood-monster is with fire, so she gets lighter fluid and a lighter and lights that fool up. She grabs her parents and they escape while her house burns and the beast dies. Fast forward and Samantha is sitting in a mental institution. She had told the police about the monster, and they had locked her up. She felt safe, at least, until she sees a face in the ceiling. How did this suddenly become an awesome story?

7. "Scratcher"
Kent Newcomb is awoken by a scratching sound from nearby. He decides to investigate, and he walks downstairs to discover that the noise is coming from his garage. He turns on the light which spooks the clawed creature a little, but the scratching ultimately continues. The next morning, Kent checks out the garage and discovers what attracted the scavenger: his garage is overflowing with trash because the city's trash collectors went on strike. Also, it's reaching record heat and that combined with trash overflow makes for an awful stench. Now that I think about it, we'd all be screwed without trash collectors. Huh. Here's hoping they're happy over here in El City de los Angels, because I don't even know where trash goes after it gets in the one-armed truck.

That night, the scratching continues, and Kent wakes his dad when he yells at the unseen animal. They buy a wire-mesh cage trap but of course it's empty but activated the next day. Kent decides to sleep in his parents' minivan and stake out the garage, and he is reminded of a time where he camped out in the car as a child. Because what kid doesn't dream of sleeping in his mom's car. It's not directly said, but I assume Kent Newcomb entertains himself by picking box B. Oh, and then a monster made entirely of garbage jumps on the windshield. I don't know, kind of a trashy climax. I mean, my hopes for this story weren't high, but this is just rubbish. I know you're cringing, but I promise the puns won't stop until this absurd situation does. Kent actually honks and calls his dad, who walks in with a baseball bat just in time to get tackled by the trash monster. Wow, what garbage reflexes. In retaliation, Kent leaves the car and destroys the monster with a garden shovel. There's a valuable lesson in here somewhere. Kids, write to your local trash pickup-guy. Without them, we'd all be sleeping in our parents' cars.

8. "Shop Till You Drop"
This story's really bad.

It's about a girl named Casey who's a total shopaholic. She's shopping with her friend Joleen when she stumbles upon a red purse. She discovers that she's short ten dollars, but finds ten dollars in the purse. Then she goes and possessedly buys everything she can with money that magically appears in the purse. The big climax comes when Casey falls on the escalator and somehow gets the strap wrapped around her neck, which is bad because the other end of the strap is stuck in the escalator. I don't know how that works. Despite the fact that she's in the middle of a crowded mall, nobody moves to help her– classic humans, I guess– and Joleen ends up cutting the strap with her keys. The big twist at the end? Another girl ends up finding the same purse at the same place Casey found it. Cool so I guess it can respawn or what? Looks like another girl will have to suffer the same horrible curse of getting unlimited money.

So there's nothing special or good in this story. The only remarkable aspects are these sexy one-liners:

"Her azure blue eyes blazed like twin suns, and she hungrily licked her lips as if she were gazing at the world's greatest ice cream sundae."

"It's like shopping makes you high." I just include this because it's the only story I can remember that even halfway approaches the topic of kids doing drugs.

"'This place is great!' Casey gasped in awe.
'It's all junk,' Joleen said dismissively.
'I know,' Casey agreed, 'But it's great junk!'"

I think I've had more than enough reading about teenage girls buying things. Well, at least I can skip my weekly visit to Tumblr now.

Conclusion: I don't know what Allen Ury was smoking when he wrote this, but it's the most bizarrely bad collection by far. It's a strange mixture of terrible stories that make no sense, awful-to-decent stories that rip off of other things, and one diamond hidden in an absurd amount of rough (I'm referring, of course, to "Faces"). Well, see you this weekend, folks.

Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs #8

I guess they ran out of creative title names, huh?

Well, looks like my prayers were not only unanswered but completely unheard, as Don Wulfson does not write another Scary Stories for Sleep-Overs book ever. Instead, I get to read Craig Strickland. Well, let's dive in, shall we? Who among us isn't eager to find out why that yeti looks stoned?

1. "Spiderbites"
The story begins when Kativa wakes up and realizes that she has a large spider bite on her leg. She immediately starts yelling and waking up her parents and six-year-old sister, Natasha. They turn out to be the nicest family ever, as they spend the morning searching and cleaning Kativa's room. They find nothing, but realize that family love triumphs over all arachnids. Unfortunately, this is false, as Natasha reveals that she too got bit by a spider, during a family vacation, no less. Kativa interrupts her, though, because their conversation goes a little something like this:

"Hey Kativa, have you ever been bitten by a spider before?"
"No. Have you?"
"Yeah. In that hotel we stayed at, this spider came and–"
"Wait, Natasha, I see a serious problem with your story."
"What?"
"It's not about me."

The following night, Kativa gets bitten yet again. When Natasha hears, she claims she can relate because she was also bitten multiple times, but Kativa decides not to care. These siblings remind me of Axl and Brick Heck. That night, she sleeps in the guest room, but gets bitten yet again. Jeez, this spider must have some kind of grudge. That being said, it has good taste in victims. Later that day, Kativa's mom takes her to see an entomologist, appropriately named "Professor Weber." I can already tell I'll love this Craig guy. The professor can't tell what spider it is, but helpfully scares Kativa by telling her that there's a myth where if you get bitten by a spider four times, you become one. I wonder if he has a PhD.

Kativa has a very one-sided conversation about her predicament with her sister, probably because she's busy blogging on Tumblr that she's always been a spider in a girl's body. She sleeps in her parents' room that night, but wakes up to see a very large spider with Natasha's head biting her neck. What a gross image. Natasha reasons that Kativa will finally have time to play with her now that they're both becoming spiders, and then proceeds to become exactly like a spider. While that does sound pretty scary, I feel like this problem could easily be solved with a really large shoe.

2. "Bloodmobile"
Joe and Vince are twins, out camping with their family. While playing frisbee with his brother, Joe stumbles upon a creepy, weird-smelling RV. Not much happens after that. Vince's family goes hiking and has a picnic, which was probably boring in the moment and is even less exciting to read about. I think they play more frisbee. Uh... I've been watching The Wire. That's been fun. Oh, and then Joe and Vince discover that the people in the RV are vampires. They actually tilt a mirror towards them and see that they have no reflection. However, their clothes are still visible, which is a nice touch because I always wondered how people's clothes became vampires too. The two of them decide to laze around and sleep, because vampires camping a few hundred feet away is not a pressing issue. They hear the door open but once again, they would rather play frisbee. The next day, the twins break into the vampire RV and find a couple coffins.

The two preteens rip off the curtains and incinerate the vampires. But on the way home after a deceptively easy victory, the twins notice that their parents have no reflection. I liked this story, but it could have used a little less frisbee.

3. "Bone Girl"
Robin is walking home from school when, yet again, a kid yells taunts at her. She is bullied in an extremely uncreative way, yet she somehow still feels inferior to her tormentors. They call her "Bone Girl," not because she's skinny or looks like Dr. Temperance Brennan, but because her dad collects tons of skeletons. Then, a bunch of kids run away from a nearby fence giggling, though I'm not sure what the joke of yelling "Why don't you get some flesh to cover those bones of yours," was. I don't know, maybe you had to be there. Anyway, Robin walks in to her bone-filled house (with animal, bird, and people skeletons), and makes herself a sandwich. Her dad, Dr. Tim Meza, walks in with the skeleton of a bobcat for no other reasons than, "Oh, spooky, skeletons!"

Robin tells her father about her bullying problem and he suggests that Robin educate her friends on skeletons. Yeah, I also find that the best way to stop a bully is by giving them more ammunition. Robin considers this, but finds that the next day, in a rare instance, preteens drew something other than penises in somebody else's notebook. They drew Robin as a skeleton, as if that would be her Halloween costume. Once again, you probably have to be there. Robin had nearly given up until her father tells her that he'll be at a convention on Halloween. She takes the chance to invite a bunch of bullies over and show them her father's collection of skeletons. They play games including "shake the skeleton's hand," and "pin the tail on the timber wolf." Yes, it's just as exciting to read about as you might imagine. Luckily, though, it leads to this little gem:

"'Wow!' Monica said a second later, 'Bones really do feel like cold wood!'"

Everybody has fun for some reason, but when they leave, the skeletons disappear. Then, angry at being moved and used as party decorations, they kill Robin and make her into a skeleton. I just have one small comment– well, more of a question, really– who thought this story was a good idea?

4. "Things from the Jungle"
Benjamin lives with his mom in what I assume is a large urban setting. Together, they own and operate a shop called "Things from the Jungle," which sells plants imported from Africa. But Ben always hears rustling and feels staring eyes from "the green shadows." I don't think that's how shadows work, Strickland. Anyway, one day, the store gets a new shipment of plants, so Ben and his mom show customers the newest vegetation. But after they close Mushnik's Flower Shop Things from the Jungle, they discover that one of their regulars never went home. Oh I wonder what could have done this unbeleafable act. The plants, it was the plants.

Benjamin shows around other customers the following day, including a family with three misbehaving children (redheads, of course). That night, he learns that they too disappeared. When he and his mom hear rustling in the leaves overhead, they call the police. Now I've seen The Wire, as I mentioned earlier, so I pretty much know everything about big city police and just crime in general. I seriously doubt they would take the time to check out a flower shop for African animals. I wouldn't. But they do, and they find nothing. So, of course, Benjamin believes that the best course of action is to visit the store the following night, where he sees an old homeless man sneak in and get snatched by a bunch of vines. Just to get across the point that this was an amazing occurrence, he italicizes the text. So, annoying. Benjamin escapes from the killer plant and returns to his home, where the plants that his mom planted start strangling him. I used the word "plant" far too many times in this story, so I'll say it's bad. Also it's bad.

5. "The Black Balloon"
This story is first person, and it never says the protagonist's name, so we'll call him Jimmy. Anyway, Jimmy wasn't invited to his neighbor Oscar's birthday, because Oscar is kind of a jerk and Jimmy calls him out on it. Jimmy decides to watch Oscar's birthday party and look bored, as if the joke's on Oscar. After a while, a hired magician shows up. He calls himself Zatlin and proceeds to pull off "amazing" tricks, such as separating rings and levitating a birthday cake, while being berated by Oscar. If I wanted to see an old man attempt magic, I would have made myself finish The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. And to finish the act, he pulls out inflated balloons from his robe and gives each kid one of his/her favorite color. Then, as he's leaving, he approaches Jimmy about why he's not at the party. Jimmy tells him, and Zatlin gives him a black balloon. If only he had gotten The Black Balloon, because even that would have been less painful than what happens next.

Jimmy discovers that the balloon serves as a voodoo balloon, as whatever he does to it affects Oscar's head. Every time Oscar insults a birthday guest, Jimmy does increasingly cruel things to the balloon. He goes from flicking it to misshaping it, transforming Oscar's head, to just hitting it. I mean, Oscar does kind of deserve it; he acts like a little shit to everybody. No guest is safe. He insults everyone, either because of their body weight, body shape, or face. How does this kid have friends to go to his party? But anyway, it ends, and Jimmy decides to give the balloon to Oscar's family. He ties it to the fence, where it gets pierced by a hook hanging from a tree and the story ends with Oscar and his mom screaming. Whoops.

6. "Sleep-Over at Annette's"
Annette's a pretty shy girl. So naturally, she gets picked on. Now, I know I said the last story was painful, but this one makes "The Black Balloon" seem like an angel's kiss. Three stuck up, high-as-cliffs popular girls are invited to Annette's house for a sleepover, so naturally they go to insult her. Her parents awkwardly greet them, and then leave. First, the girls insult Annette's pizza, then her games, then her personality, social life, physical appearance, etc. This story is sadism, and these girls are animal...s. And Annette just takes it; she just twists and turns like a skeleton key. They don't even talk in code, they just straight up abuse her. If only her mother was a vampire, then she could protect her. But no; it takes two hours of insults before Annette reveals that she only invited them over because her parents are hungry, because surprise, they're werewolves. Then they eat them.

P.S. If you caught the Margot and the Nuclear So and So's references, congrats, you're musically enlightened. If you didn't, however, please check them out; I've been listening to them for a while and I definitely think they deserve more recognition, because they're heavenly. So if you're a fan of calm, soulful music, or even if you're not, just listen to a song or two. "Broadripple is Burning" and "Skeleton Key" are my personal favorites, but they have quite a few good ones. I'm not even getting paid for this (not that anyone would sponsor a children's horror review blog. I mean, come on people), I just love the band. So check them out.

7. "Christmas at Mountain Hollow"
I don't even know. This family stays at this remote cabin for Christmas when this eight-foot-tall snow beast, which I'm guessing is the guy from the cover, attacks. They have the most human reactions, it's surreal. The parents get involved, so that's refreshing, and it's just so unexpectedly realistic and gripping I was caught off guard. Then they escape and stay in a hotel for Christmas instead. Eh, better than hanging with extended family.

Conclusion: These stories were mostly unremarkable, which is both good and bad. There's a common presence of karma and popular monsters, and I don't think any of these were extremely great or godawful. So, in conclusion, I can confidently say that this is one of the OK-est books in the series.